[Explicit Content Warning. Kiddies stay away.]
When we were first
married and started enjoying sex it seemed to me that my penis was at last
doing what it was designed for. I
experienced a deep deep joy, a sigh of contentment, a belief that my sexuality
was at last able to be expressed in a wholesome giving to another. A sense that
a longstanding longing had found it's true resting place. That my half had
become a whole. That my sexuality could be the missing jigsaw piece in
another's puzzle. That I could offer to H the ideal gift: one that comes from
my heart (all good gifts are an offering of one's self) to nourish the joy in
her heart.
Now it's back to
pissing and wanking.
The very essence of
sexuality is dialogue. But now my sexuality is restricted to a solo act
performed in secret and shame.
My poor imagination
leads to H continuing to be the focus of my sex life. But unsatisfiable
fantasies are hardly satisfying! And rather than provide any real release this
just reinforces my loneliness and loss.
— Nat.
I'm at that point now in my separation. My wife left me after almost 20 years of marriage withnkids. She wants to be good friends and I am stil stuck in the cycles of anger, pain, and guilt. I wasn't a great husband to her and had my issues, but the marriage was ok to good for a lot of the time. She is holding onto the negatives and bad events of the past and is adamant about never coming back to the marriage. She wants to be Single, independent & Free as she puts it. I still love her a lot and can't stop thinking about her and fighting to get her back. Today I have face the fact that this separation is ripping me apart, causing emotional strain for her and for my own sake, I have to move on. I want her in my life and it will always be on her terms, as friends.
ReplyDelete"Single, independent & Free", I've heard that too. And I don't understand how "married" is an antonym for "free". I thought marriage would be the ideal context for being fully yourself.
ReplyDelete"Fighting to get her back" has an internal contradiction, doesn't it? What/who is there to fight? As loving husbands we *would* fight for our wives, even give our lives, but what if she sees *us* as the cause of her imprisonment, and the most loving action is to grant her freedom? But then how can we bear the loss?
--Nat.