Denouement

During the emotionally difficult times of my separation and divorce, music was an important part of how I managed my grief. I found several songs that resonated with my grief and even seemed to carry the weight of that grief for me.

One song with that sort of sustaining effect was Josh Garrels' Ulysses.

I’m holding on to hope that one day this could be made right
Cause I’ve been shipwrecked and left for dead and I've seen the darkest sights

Those lines captured my confused state perfectly. Sadly – I think tragically – H and I still hurt each other far beyond what either of us wish. It is still a devastating shipwreck. But I have also held an almost naive hope that redemption was still possible.

Although much of the rest of the lyrics do not reflect my situation, the anguished tone does. He notes that there are false hopes to be resisted, like the deadly sirens in Homer's The Odyssey:

Sirens call my name, they say they’ll ease my pain, then break me on the stones

But after six years, I bring good news. A month ago I remarried!

I will say straight away that we cannot expect that will always be the outcome. Some of you guys will continue alone. Some will embrace and enjoy that singleness and for others it will be frustrating, lonely and like being half a person.

Nevertheless, for me, this is a very exciting new adventure. Also scary. The risk of marriage seems so much greater to those of us who know how badly it can go wrong.

A few months before our wedding I was reminded of one of my favourite songs from the 70's – Steely Dan's Home at Last, which also draws on the imagery of Ulysses, tied to the mast of his ship to avoid the lure of the sirens.

Well the danger on the rocks is surely past
Still I remain tied to the mast

After the brokenness and self-doubt, I appreciated that thought. Perhaps the danger was past and I could relax again.

Could it be that I have found my home at last?
Home at last.

I'm beginning to think I am.



... and so they all lived happily ever after.

I hope.


--Nat.

A good day

Not every day is as bad as the others, and today was a good one. The sunshine while kayaking with my son, helping run a barbecue at a fundraiser for SIDS, an afternoon nap -- these help to push the pain of loss away for a while.

One of my strategies is certainly to keep busy. And the last few months have been unusually creative for me. Having been shocked out of my normal life and habits, I am trying to reclaim some interests that have been lost along the way, and find new opportunities.

Busy-ness is an interesting thing. It can be productive, meaningful and helpful for both ourselves and others. But we can also use it to avoid doing things or thinking about something uncomfortable. For myself at the moment, I think it's about sublimating the frustration and pain and sexuality towards something positive. Turning that inner energy outwards, rather than letting it consume me.

I hope you'll be able to do the same, because it can create the possibility of a good day amidst all the hard ones.

— Nat.