Patience

A sonnet by G. M. Hopkins includes the line "Patience masks our ruins of wrecked past purpose." Patience watches, with bloodshot and tearful eyes, our unfulfilled desires. She protects us from despair but also deceives us with false hope. Patience invites loss and yet persists in obedience.

In the famous passage in 1 Corinthians 13, Paul claims that "Love is patient … always perseveres ... never fails." On the contrary, I have to say that love has failed to sustain my marriage, that patience has simply masked the failure and that further perseverence is useless.

—Nat.

Ground Rules

When H first said that she wanted to go her own way, many emotions demanded attention simultaneously and I was very confused about how to act towards her. But from early on, I set myself three ground rules: no begging, no impositions, no criticism. That resolve was mostly motivated by the well known aphorism: "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was." It looks like she never was.

Later, as we discussed how to navigate the separation, we agreed that even though the marriage had failed, we would at least try to fail with grace. We would continue to be generous to each other. Continue to work together in caring for the kids. Continue to care for each other's well-being, accepting with patience that it was a hard time for both.

I have heard of rare cases where a couple can split "amicably", when both are happy to go their own ways. That's not us. I am shattered to the core and angrier than I have ever been. But neither my pain nor anger nor wishes nor love will bring H back and in reality my only option is to release her. Release her from any obligation to me, so that she can not be bound artificially to me by guilt. And release her from my heart -- much harder -- so that I too can move onwards.

—Nat.