Ground Rules

When H first said that she wanted to go her own way, many emotions demanded attention simultaneously and I was very confused about how to act towards her. But from early on, I set myself three ground rules: no begging, no impositions, no criticism. That resolve was mostly motivated by the well known aphorism: "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if it doesn't, it never was." It looks like she never was.

Later, as we discussed how to navigate the separation, we agreed that even though the marriage had failed, we would at least try to fail with grace. We would continue to be generous to each other. Continue to work together in caring for the kids. Continue to care for each other's well-being, accepting with patience that it was a hard time for both.

I have heard of rare cases where a couple can split "amicably", when both are happy to go their own ways. That's not us. I am shattered to the core and angrier than I have ever been. But neither my pain nor anger nor wishes nor love will bring H back and in reality my only option is to release her. Release her from any obligation to me, so that she can not be bound artificially to me by guilt. And release her from my heart -- much harder -- so that I too can move onwards.

—Nat.

Last thing at night

For me, the end of the day is normally the worst time. The quiet after my kids are asleep emphasises my aloneness and emptiness. I put off going to bed as long as I can in the hope of being so exhausted that I'll be able to fall asleep straight away. A friend of mine, divorced many years ago and still single, is a share trader. He said to me a few weeks ago that there are lots of lonely men up late at night watching foreign markets, trying to keep their sadness at bay.

The sadness of lying in bed alone makes me recall other times and reminds me what I am missing. With nothing else to do, my brain focuses on my loss, and I either cry or get angry. I haven't cried myself to sleep for 35 years! On a few occasions I have taken sleeping pills, with limited success. Last night I watched a movie on SBS purely because the introduction claimed it had a sex scene. (It didn't.) What I find more useful is some deliberate relaxation exercises, and a firm resolve not to end the day negatively.

Is it a tough time for you too? Any good strategies you can share?

— Nat.

A good day

Not every day is as bad as the others, and today was a good one. The sunshine while kayaking with my son, helping run a barbecue at a fundraiser for SIDS, an afternoon nap -- these help to push the pain of loss away for a while.

One of my strategies is certainly to keep busy. And the last few months have been unusually creative for me. Having been shocked out of my normal life and habits, I am trying to reclaim some interests that have been lost along the way, and find new opportunities.

Busy-ness is an interesting thing. It can be productive, meaningful and helpful for both ourselves and others. But we can also use it to avoid doing things or thinking about something uncomfortable. For myself at the moment, I think it's about sublimating the frustration and pain and sexuality towards something positive. Turning that inner energy outwards, rather than letting it consume me.

I hope you'll be able to do the same, because it can create the possibility of a good day amidst all the hard ones.

— Nat.