Over a year now

Well it's been over a year now since we were separated and the time to lodge a divorce application draws nigh. It seems inevitable, but still hard to grasp. H is still certain that she does not want to be married, but uncertain whether she wants to divorce. From all I know of her, she will not change that commitment to independence, but she will still feel that I am rushing her into a decision.

Surely I should be able to "move on" as they say. Surely by now I could start writing something positive in this blog, like how I can see that the pain has been worthwhile, or how a return to singleness opens new possibilities. I am extremely blessed with family and friends. There are people who care deeply for me. Some I can honestly share joys or fears with. Some who I know would drop whatever they were doing to help me when I need it. People praying for me.

But regardless of the wonderful people around me I am desperately alone. I get a few hugs, even some kisses from my wonderful children, but they're not the hugs or kisses of a lover. There's no-one to dream with and I am tearfully broken, lost and crumbling inside, constantly aware of a hunger for sex that has no possibility of satisfaction. Fuck you H. Why have you marooned me in this desolate place? And fuck you God. Why did you arrange for her and I to meet in the first place?

How could I possibly start a new relationship in such a state of brokenness? Who would risk falling in love with such a limping man who's still deeply in love with his ex?

—Nat

Help make this a group effort

I am pleased to see the pageviews counter pass 200. On the other hand, I wish there were more comments. Since it is not my intention to simply record my journey through grief, can I encourage you to make this more of a dialog?

I believe there is great value in sharing pain, because through that we can also share joy. I’m not saying that sometimes we can share our pain and that in other, happier, times we can share our joy. Rather, the sharing of pain can itself enable a deeper kind of joy. The joy of releasing rather than suppressing. The relief at finding others who understand. The joy of giving and receiving comfort.

You don’t need to sign up and comments can be completely anonymous.

Please also feel free to contact me via email if you’d like some off-the-record conversation.

— Nat