Documenting my anger

I probably have never been so angry as this. I feel so mis-used and betrayed. But who am I angry at? And where do I direct that anger?

I thought it would help -- and it did -- to write down what I am angry about. I listed 30 or so things where the anger was directed at H. Another half-dozen directed at God. And two directed at myself. (I wonder what that balance says about me, and I wonder how that balance might change over time?) The ones about H are the juicy one's that I'm sure you'd love to know. But it seems to me that the other categories are the more interesting ones.

Here are the two things I am angry with myself about...

• How is it that I have deceived myself about my own character? It seems that some attributes I held to be my highest virtues are actually failings that have damaged H and our relationship. What pride has preventing me from seeing that before? 

• How could I not have seen that H was not ready for marriage? Although we've been married 19 years, our problems go all the way back to the beginning. We were married too quickly and she did not yet have a solid enough self-identity to make a real comitment to me. I can't blame her for leading me on without also thinking that my own wishful thinking and my excitement at finding my "dream come true" was another example of self-deceit. 

If there's one thing I am going to be firm with myself about, it is that this pain is going to fuel a time of growth for me rather than a time of despair. So what can I learn from that self-directed anger?

—Nat.