I must be a complete idiot

H. says that her friends think I am amazing in the way I have given her the freedom she needs and patiently coped with her. But what sort of crazy man continues to live with the woman who has broken his heart?

Putting aside my wish that it could be so, there is no reason to think that she will treat me any differently in the future. No reason to think that she will want intimacy with me. No reason for her to suddenly become more sexually expressive. No reason she will not continue to see me as a threat and need to protect herself against me. No reason to think that she will become interested in me qua me.
So why do I persist?

Well it is almost certainly the best situation for our wonderful children. This isn’t an explosive conflict situation and they aren’t seeing us at each other’s throats. So being able to avoid the logistical and emotional nightmare of shuffling them between two houses has been very good. Neither of us want to hurt them and the practical challenges of any alternative are a bit daunting. If I lived elsewhere and we took turns looking after the kids, how could I maintain a full-time job and still do all the transporting etc that they need? (How does any single parent manage?)

I understand that although my situation, like everyone's, is unique, it is certainly no more difficult or tragic than the hardships faced by millions of others. I am still well off in terms of money and caring friends and family and health, with all the unfair advantages of being born a white, English-speaking male. But it continues to hurt almost beyond bearing. And I must be a complete idiot to continue trying to bear it.

— Nat.

Emancipation and Emasculation

H has cut off my balls. No, that’s too clean. She has crushed them. More accurately, she has slipped a rubber ring onto me, like onto a sheep, and watched for years as the restricted bloodflow killed my manhood. Why have I let her do it?

Why does she act as though her emancipation requires my emasculation? That is a central mystery to me. Why has she seen us as enemies? Why weren’t we able to work together towards a solution?

— Nat.