Still pondering what I wrote a couple of weeks ago about monogamy. Can anyone tell me what value there is in sexual restraint once the opportunity for a lifelong partnership has been lost?
It seems to me that a large chunk of my reason for being chaste is no longer relevant. Once upon a time I thought my sexual desire would be uniquely expressed with one person; discovered and explored and nurtured and enjoyed and cherished in one contented and sacred relationship. Now I’d rather be chased than chaste :^)
I spent an annoyingly sleepless night wondering what it would be like to spoil myself with a high-class escort: a long night with a professional who knows how to please and able to act as though she enjoyed it. “Spoil myself” of course has a double meaning. It would seem a luxury, a treat. But would it taint or damage me? It doesn’t seem to me that it would – I am already “damaged goods” so to speak. The thought that such an indulgence would cost $3,000 or more is perhaps all that protects me from that option at the moment.
If I met someone else and we decided to marry, would it make a difference if I had numerous previous sexual partners? I think it makes a big difference the first time around – being a virgin allows that first relationship to be unique in the total giving of one’s body to the other. But now? Would either I or my imagined future partner be concerned if there had been 2 or 3 or 10 before?
—Nat
I too have been sexless for two years now. I have thought about going out for a one night stand but that just feels wrong to me. I am commited to my marriage still even if she is not. I cannot wrap my head around the idea of "Mom and Dad have a new boyfriend/girlfriend but live in the same home". Just sets the wrong precedence for my teenage children. What I miss most is like you said, feeling her warmth as I lay next to her, the passing touches or hugs but most of all it is the hurt of knowing someone else is now feeling that while we still share our lives with our children. Like I told a friend, the woman I married is buried under there and I miss her but if she can get the mental health help she needs, MAYBE that woman will return. Right now she is refusing to pursue continued mental health support and states this is just her and I am trying to "change her". I continue to try to stay strong and provide a stable, adult role model for the kids. Again thanks for the "soapbox" and beat wishes to you my friend.
ReplyDeleteGil, that really sounds like hard work for you. I applaud the motivation you have to remain faithful to your family and hope you can do that without becoming buried yourself under the rubble of others' needs.
ReplyDelete