In the previous post, it was probably clear that part of the reason for my dissillusionment about sex is a direct result of choices I have made myself, especially my expectation about having just one sexual partner. If I dropped that expectation, many other potentially fulfilling options would be open to me. But there's another reason I have to accept blame for how things have worked out with H, and I thought it was worth writing about that as an addendum.
For many months after H told me she didn't want to be my wife, I thought of myself as being defrauded. When we married, I believed, and still believe, that a normal expectation of marriage is the mutual discovery of each others' sexuality and a shared joy in pleasing each other physically. I felt that in marrying me she was agreeing with that, and yet my expectation has not been fulfilled.
BUT, I have realised that these sexual expectations I have always held during our marriage have been unfounded. I accept – unhappily, but truly – that H had not considered the implications of marriage 20 years ago. She had not projected her imagination into that future, had not longed for a husband, nor children, nor making a new home, nor settling into one location. I assumed that by saying she wanted to marry me, she anticipated and wanted to explore and enjoy sex with me. But we got married so quickly that there was no time to check that assumption, and I didn’t even think to try. I should have, because if I’m honest with myself there were signs prior to marriage that the assumption was wrong.
(When I write that we got married quickly, I mean we knew each other for several months before "falling in love" one October, we were engaged two weeks later and married in January. That was a fundamental mistake that I could have avoided.)
From this vantage point, I can see that a very harmful effect of my unwarranted expectations has been an imposition on H from which she could see no escape. I regret that this is another consequence of us getting married before allowing time for us to get to know each other more deeply. There are really no justifications for my expectations that she would be interested in discovering our sexuality together or being interested in understanding my sexuality. And hence no justification for me blaming her for not fulfilling those expectations.
—Nat
The origination of your blog is the day my world fell apart. My husband of 15 years told me he had been having an affair for the past 6-8 months. Separation occurred immediately as I told him he would not be allowed back into our family home under the same roof for any reason. I had never throughout our marriage previously felt that an affair was something he would commit himself to. However, about three years prior, we had ceased to have an intimate relationship due to my own feelings of "if I can't get what I want out of this marriage, then you can't get what you want". I expressed that we could be "roommates" and co-parents but that I didn't feel an emotional connection with him, hence I would discontinue to act of sex that had no depth of emotion for me. I had hoped that when faced with the thought of losing everything, he would be able to figure out what I was needing, what HE was lacking in giving to me, and he would somehow become the man that I desired. The leader of our family. The partner and friend that I deserved and desired. He merely focused on the fact that he was no longer getting sex, and he hoped we could somehow return to that place where he could feel satisfied again. Fast forward a few years, he had sought the same "means to an end" you discuss struggling with. He felt less than a man. He sank into his own feelings of loss and disrespect for himself. When this woman came on to him in January, he was re-inflated in so many various realms, he probably couldn't help himself. I don't blame him in many regards. However it doesn't make it okay. There are many ways he could have tried to repair the relationship we had so we could in turn return to the intimacy he was lacking.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where I am going with this...I started because I felt compelled to get some ideas off my chest...and find someone who could somehow help me to understand my husband's choices, but alas, I now have an appointment I must attend, so I have to end abruptly. I may return, or I may see the folly in posting altogether and not. -a woman who has seen the "error of her ways" in some respects
Wow, that really throws a curly question to me. You obviously found the relationship very painful a long time before the affair. And so I'm sorry that marriage has not been more enjoyable and fulfilling for you. I doubt that I will be the "someone who could somehow help me to understand my husband's choices", but based on your brief synopsis, here is how I think *I* would have felt ...
ReplyDeleteThree years without sex would be extremely soul destroying for me. It would mean the death of such a significant part of me that I would not be able to continue any sort of relationship with my "wife". I would be incredibly hurt and angry. In your kind of situation, controlling sex gives you a massive power over him. It's like withholding food. It's a form of torture.
Nevertheless, if I had been your husband, I can't imagine considering an affair. I think your clear statement "if I can't get what I want out of this marriage, then you can't get what you want" would have motivated me to talk about what each of us wanted. I would be more interested in figuring out together how to fix what was broken than to undermine the relationship further by an affair. If that didn't get us anywhere, I really don't know what I would do. I would be driven crazy by the contradiction between my need for sex (and anger at you withholding it) and my internal obligation to love and cherish you forsaking all others till death do us part. But I would have waited for that obligation to be discharged by divorce before seeking sex with anyone else.
--Nat.