The back story

Everyone's story is unique and would require a lifetime to retell. But I guess I need to fill you in on how I got to this point.

I fell in love with H twenty years ago. In a whirlwind, we were engaged after a week or two and married three months later. It was a dream come true. H was 21 and I 30.

Our honeymoon was strained, and the ensuing year nothing less than traumatic. The details can wait for another time, but it has been hard work ever since. There have been good times, of course, but although we get on fine and seem pretty successful at raising a couple of kids, our marriage has been unsatisfying to both of us. H has never been a real partner. Rather than allowing herself to relax into real intimacy, she has built barriers to protect herself from me.

At 40, H has reconsidered the whole situation and informed me that she regrets that we got married. This is not a case of having lost the spark, but rather an admission that from the very beginning she didn't want to be married. She knew before we were married that it was the wrong thing, but too unsure of herself, maybe too ashamed, to call it off. She has tried to cope with the consequences of that, and tried to avoid the hurt that she knows being honest would have caused me.

I have loved and cherished and adored H above all else for almost 20 years, and now find that she doesn't want me. Never did want me.

We have been separated for 6 months and I am heart-broken. Not as tearful as I was a couple of months ago, though that keeps returning in uncontrollable cycles. We still live in the same house, which works well financially and for the kids, but it's no great fun seeing the one you love and constantly being reminded that she is not yours.

— Nat.